HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
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Good advice.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
accurate
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle