Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
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@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
This story is comedy gold 😂
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade