Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

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I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.


Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?


She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???


“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.


Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.


Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?



Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?


Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known


stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier


cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold