HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
You Might Also Like
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
A short story of betrayal:
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
marvel comics have peaked
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]