him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
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“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter: