Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

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I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.


Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!


[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.


Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.


“I love all quilts, regardless of quality.” – blanket statement


Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”


ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]


Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.


Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.


I’m incredibly flattered that my therapist thinks I should be in anger management.

I’ve never even held an entry-level position.