@Elizasoul80

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

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@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

@trevso_electric

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

@kerihw

Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s fly into a window.

@bartandsoul

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

@OakHill_

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

@Robert_Fultz

I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.

@3sunzzz

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.