WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
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Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s fly into a window.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.