Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

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WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*


Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.


Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s fly into a window.


Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster


I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet


I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.


Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.