I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
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Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
“I love all quilts, regardless of quality.” – blanket statement
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”
Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I’m incredibly flattered that my therapist thinks I should be in anger management.
I’ve never even held an entry-level position.