@mydmac

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

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@CrockettForReal

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

@difficultpatty

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

@WeissBrandon

Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.

@SteveKoehler22

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

@caliluvgirl77

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

@thatsuperdad

Stranger: Sir your fly is down…

Me: Oh geez! Thanks.

*Bends down and picks up fly*

Me: He’s had some wing issues lately

@GrillinChillin9

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”