Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

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Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us


It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.


Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.


When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.


[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it


Stranger: Sir your fly is down…

Me: Oh geez! Thanks.

*Bends down and picks up fly*

Me: He’s had some wing issues lately


Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”