Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
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Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets