Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
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Giving away valuable art secrets.
Software Development ⛵️
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-
She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.
I know this now.
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Stranger: Sir your fly is down…
Me: Oh geez! Thanks.
*Bends down and picks up fly*
Me: He’s had some wing issues lately
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”