Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
You Might Also Like
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Where’s my employee discount too?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.