Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
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Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee