Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
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a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
courtroom exchange of the day
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.