Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
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how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
accurate
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
do u think theres a butter planet?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.