Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
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The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically