Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
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millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.