@loudmouth_usa

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

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@DaddyJew

Relationship threats:

teens: i’ll cheat on you

20’s: i’ll go to the bar with my boys

30’s: I’m gonna watch all of our shows without you

@alexlumaga

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

@Reverend_Scott

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

@alexwyse

Since it’s impossible to know which period of my life is the middle, I’ve decided to have an ongoing crisis.

@BreadFoster

I can’t wait until Taylor Swift breaks up with a black guy so she can put out a rap album.

@MichaelTrying

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

@TheIntComShow

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

@IamEveryDayPpl

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

@ohen39

wife: I am having an affair

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have the affair as well