Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!