“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
You Might Also Like
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Roses are red
Violets don’t matter.
When a woman says ‘I love you’
Therapist: What’s the most meaningful connection you’ve made in your life?
Me: You mean…other than wifi?
It’s like ten thousand filters, when all you need is a bag.
I’ve never understood the whole ‘burying people for fun at the beach’. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Me: *popping out of a giant cake, screaming* “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUT ME IN THERE AFTER YOU BAKED IT”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed