teens: i’ll cheat on you
20’s: i’ll go to the bar with my boys
30’s: I’m gonna watch all of our shows without you
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
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God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Since it’s impossible to know which period of my life is the middle, I’ve decided to have an ongoing crisis.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I can’t wait until Taylor Swift breaks up with a black guy so she can put out a rap album.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
wife: I am having an affair
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have the affair as well