Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
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Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
So we got a goldfish…
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
R.I.P.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator