HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
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A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.