@AimeeHelene1

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

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@smiles_and_nods

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

@AimeeHelene1

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

@WAYNES_O

When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.

@somelightcrying

DUDE: first of all

ME: oh shit this dude’s about to make more than one point

@msbtx

Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you

Me: I’m sorry I gave you that impression. That’s not correct

@The_Albinoshrek

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

@tharkibo

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

@rebrafsim

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good