Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

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So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.


That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?


When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.


DUDE: first of all

ME: oh shit this dude’s about to make more than one point


Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you

Me: I’m sorry I gave you that impression. That’s not correct


Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur


Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right


Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good