Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
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5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.