@Darlainky

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

- @Darlainky

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@RealSudoNim

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

@HeyZeus666

I don’t suffer insomnia like most tweeters do.

I always get a solid 7, maybe 8 minutes of sleep every night.

@AGreaterMonster

As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I’m just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.

@DanMentos

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

@AndyAsAdjective

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
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@sofarrsogud

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

@UncleDuke1969

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

@Quartzjixler

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

@Cheeseboy22

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

@pakalupapito

i need a reasonably paying job. something like $6,000 an hour, nothing too wild.