Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
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[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”