Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
You Might Also Like
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”