Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
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(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”