Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

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(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.


If you stop at a yellow light I’m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.


under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”


Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.


wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song


Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.


Grad school is my excuse for everything. No text back? Grad school. Havent called in weeks? Grad school. I ate your last donut? Grad school!