Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

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No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.


What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?


Me: I want a…

Debit card: Nope.

Me: Ok. Just making sure.


WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes


[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me


Txt my wife to ask if the gardener came & how 5yo’s 1st day of school was.

She txt back “He’s naked on the couch”.

I’m afraid to ask who..


My doctor wants to have me tested for lupus which is ridiculous, as I’ve never even seen a werewolf.


If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”


one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk