@prufrockluvsong

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

@TheIntComShow

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

@TZSqueezy

Me: I want a…

Debit card: Nope.

Me: Ok. Just making sure.

@philmann

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

@ArfMeasures

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

@AristotlesNZ

Txt my wife to ask if the gardener came & how 5yo’s 1st day of school was.

She txt back “He’s naked on the couch”.

I’m afraid to ask who..

@deedles420

My doctor wants to have me tested for lupus which is ridiculous, as I’ve never even seen a werewolf.

@amusedkerching

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

@HumanPog

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk