@prufrockluvsong

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

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@sixfootcandy

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

@mishakey

If you stop at a yellow light I’m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.

@conner_omalley

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

@sfreeze6

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

@TweetPotato314

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

@gengen874

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

@SSDated

Grad school is my excuse for everything. No text back? Grad school. Havent called in weeks? Grad school. I ate your last donut? Grad school!