Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
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my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Education is vital
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.