Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
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Cake!!
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
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Expectations vs. Reality
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Would you wear it?
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater