Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
You Might Also Like
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
“What?”
– Jude
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?