Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

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*first date*

Him: Favorite animal?

Her: Panaver

Him: Huh?

Her: A cross between a panda and beaver because I am lazy but love wood.


Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away


*blood everywhere*

“What kind of ANIMAL would DO this?”

Well, that’s a gazelle Jeff, so probably a lion *to other ranger* Jeff’s new here


Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying


me: why does no one like me

therapist: [flips through notes] i could give you so many reasons


So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!


Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!


How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff


World’s Most Dangerous Bees

6. Honey
5. Killer
4. Fris
3. Hucka
2. Zom
1. Apple