Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
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Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Wait for it
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
the composer
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place