Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE