@mommajessiec

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

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@LizHackett

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

@BarebakAssassin

In my 32 years this is what I’ve learned about women:

1.) “No” means no

2.) “Maybe” means no

3.) “Yes” means maybe

@WheelTod

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

@_Water_Baby

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

@SergioValenCo

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

@MissBamantha

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

@kobychill

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

@TheMichaelRock

An anonymous internet person said they were going to block me and then blocked me. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

@hippieswordfish

ME: any advice
DAD: its ok to embellish a little
[later at job interview]
INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself
M: i wrote harry potter