Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
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[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”