I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
You Might Also Like
In my 32 years this is what I’ve learned about women:
1.) “No” means no
2.) “Maybe” means no
3.) “Yes” means maybe
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
An anonymous internet person said they were going to block me and then blocked me. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
ME: any advice
DAD: its ok to embellish a little
[later at job interview]
INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself
M: i wrote harry potter