Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
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Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome