HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
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Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac