Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

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My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair


Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.


A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.


I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.


Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie


computer: re-enter password

me: mysocks

computer: passwords do not match


Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?