@jctwritesstuff

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

- @jctwritesstuff

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@BeerBatterBeard

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

@LuvPug

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

@Social_Mime

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

@EliTerry

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

@ArfMeasures

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

@FredTaming

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles