My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
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Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.
And this, kids, is why education is key.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don’t have to.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
computer: re-enter password
computer: passwords do not match
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?