Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
You Might Also Like
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.