@jctwritesstuff

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

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@Adam14

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

@GetCougarized

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

@SyrupTishus_01

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

@BlindVigil

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

@RidiculousSheri

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

@BoogTweets

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

@50FirstTates

computer: re-enter password

me: mysocks

computer: passwords do not match

@WilliamAder

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?