Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Him: I’m heading to the gym
Me: I’m heading to the fridge
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Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?