Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

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People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS


Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.


my drafts folder is a lot like all of my exes. they totally made sense in my head at the time, but now I cringe when I look at them.


OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes



I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.


*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*


I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.