Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
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Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.