@prufrockluvsong

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

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@jergarl

Me: *breaks down door

Wife: WTF ARE YOU DOING?

M: HOME INVASION!

W: OMG stop breaking our house when you want sex.

M: Soooooo

W: No

@bellalawtonn

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

@garrettbarry70

Imagine meeting the girl of your dreams and then finding out that she eats spaghetti with a knife.

@hrtbps

“I have parrot-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

@ilovepie84

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

@krisv_723

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

@naughtywriter2

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

@rcromwell4

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

@noog

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

@tigersgoroooar

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu