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@prufrockluvsong: Him: I'm leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
@omgthatspunny: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Why don't we say Grace?
Me: I don't know.
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
@fro_vo: *malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
@simoncholland: Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
@PastorMark: A hipster guy is one who kept his grandpa's clothes but lost his grandpa's work ethic.