People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
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I had to share this!!!
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
my drafts folder is a lot like all of my exes. they totally made sense in my head at the time, but now I cringe when I look at them.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.