It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
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murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Friend: Look on the bright side
Me: [walks away]
Friend: Where are you going
Me: To talk to someone who doesn’t say shit like that
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease