Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

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It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.


murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho


You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.


Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.


Friend: Look on the bright side
Me: [walks away]
Friend: Where are you going
Me: To talk to someone who doesn’t say shit like that


dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone


If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.


Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease