She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
M: You’re a PEACH!
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
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The best part about being single is only having to say “I’m sorry” to the dog.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
CRONUS: Yes- I’ll have the bucket of popcorn children
Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir?
CRONUS: omg what did I say
[getting a number at a bar]
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator.