@UncleDuke1969

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

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@iGreenGod

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

@drayzze

The best part about being single is only having to say “I’m sorry” to the dog.

@Dawn_M_

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

@iamspacegirl

[Drive-thru]

CRONUS: Yes- I’ll have the bucket of popcorn children

Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir?

CRONUS: omg what did I say

@humanaaron

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

@ArfMeasures

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

@TweetPotato314

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]