Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
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My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool