Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
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Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.