Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
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If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what