If you want world peace, your army should be made up of massage therapists. I mean, who could fight while getting a relaxing massage?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
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5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Judge: Your word is… Grease.
Me: Grease is the word?
Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.
I don’t know the lyrics to any of Pitbull’s songs, but in my defense, I’m not really convinced he does either.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house