Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
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Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos