HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
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Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I think this cat is broken
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses