HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

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Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.


My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.


Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants

This is just a bottomless Pitt


GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.


I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.


I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.


I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.


Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.