@justokpanda

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

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@ACall55

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

@beefman138

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

@scottthetwat

The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.

@liamstack

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

@TrelawnySara

creating an app called Friends With Pools. It’s exactly what you think it is.

@colsonwhitehead

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

@momjeansplease

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

@ninavarelas

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?