I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
My sock puppet: WOW
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Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
creating an app called Friends With Pools. It’s exactly what you think it is.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?