I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
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Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
same vibe as tangled headphones
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
A choir of Spring onions
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Body by Oreos
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort