Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
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I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Day 2 of my diet
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
wtf management?!
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Mmmm. Shoeshi
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean