@shkeeber

Him: I’m tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.

Me: Thanks. I’m tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.

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@JillianKarger

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

@sad_tree

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

@johntoconnor

How much can this one swallow?

sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way

@just1fool

You know what they say about a man with average sized feet.

It’s really easy to find shoes for him.

@MelvinofYork

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

@Area51eh

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

@girl_a_whirl

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

@DadandBuried

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]