@JillianKarger
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
@shkeeber
Him: I’m tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.
Me: Thanks. I’m tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.
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@JillianKarger
@sad_tree
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
@johntoconnor
How much can this one swallow?
sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way
@JimmerThatisAll
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
@just1fool
You know what they say about a man with average sized feet.
It’s really easy to find shoes for him.
@MelvinofYork
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
@Area51eh
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
@girl_a_whirl
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
@DadandBuried
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
@OtherDanOBrien
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]