[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Him: I’m tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.
Me: Thanks. I’m tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.
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PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
How much can this one swallow?
sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
You know what they say about a man with average sized feet.
It’s really easy to find shoes for him.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]