Has your mom ever mailed you McDonald’s gift cards in a letter about why she’s pissed at you or are you normal?
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
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Things that don’t exist:
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
join me in holy matrimony you coward
I donate blood once a month. It’s not mine but I know I’m making a real difference.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.
A magician’s wife gives birth to a long series of brightly colored scarves