Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

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Has your mom ever mailed you McDonald’s gift cards in a letter about why she’s pissed at you or are you normal?


Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get


Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.


ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?


I donate blood once a month. It’s not mine but I know I’m making a real difference.


ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish


*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]



Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.


A magician’s wife gives birth to a long series of brightly colored scarves