Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
You Might Also Like
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
titanic
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀