@ArfMeasures

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

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@The_Dingus_Khan

Has your mom ever mailed you McDonald’s gift cards in a letter about why she’s pissed at you or are you normal?

@KentWGraham

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

@thulnicolle

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

@mydmac

I donate blood once a month. It’s not mine but I know I’m making a real difference.

@ArfMeasures

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

@squirrel74wkgn

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

@That_Damn_Duck

Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.

@NicCageMatch

A magician’s wife gives birth to a long series of brightly colored scarves