I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Him: ima call you at 11
Me at 11:01: all men do is lie
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She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
If Sean Spicer announces his own resignation, is it true?