Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
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When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Meowchelangelo
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.