him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
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every man in east london
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude