@ShortSleeveSuit

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

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@shkeeber

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Orally.

@TheTweetOfGod

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

@Cryptoterra

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

@EJGomez

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

@ChipKellysBalls

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

@orange_rhymer

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

@JJSummertime

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

@gHOEstgurl

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job