Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
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*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
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Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.