Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
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5: let’s play the quiet game.
5: ready..? Start.
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
me: not that this helps you
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
me: …an aquatic sea animal
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
me: please go away
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
BOSS: Okay, let’s do this. What names are you pitching?
COWORKER: Hannah Montana
ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts
BOSS: Michael you’re fired