@eff_yeah_steph

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

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@MyNameIsArchaic

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

@mejustbeth

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

@chewlongkok_

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

@Julian_Deane

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

@rolldiggity

Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”

@gvicks

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

@_b1p0larbear

I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.

@bridger_w

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone