Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
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Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone