@MyNameIsArchaic Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
@eff_yeah_steph Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
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@MyNameIsArchaic 
@mejustbeth Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
@JohnLyonTweets My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
@KevinFarzad People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
@chewlongkok_ Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
@Julian_Deane Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
@rolldiggity Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”
@gvicks Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
@_b1p0larbear I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.
@bridger_w It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone