@KateQFunny: TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff. #lifehacks

@chuuew: ME: Hi, I have a 3 o'clock RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name? ME: No. I need it for work

@GrantTanaka: cat: so how u been me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was- cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

@WhaJoTalkinBout: Her: What's your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom? Me: Showering is optional Her: HAHAHA, be serious. Me: Ok, no drug tests.

@TheAlexNevil: *knock on the door Satan: Yes? Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!