@ddsmidt: Whenever my husband "puts something away" I'm always suspect. I mean, it's not as if he really knows where anything goes.

@TheTweetOfGod: When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you've been using Apple Maps.

@MomOnFire: If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you'll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

@QwertyJones3: "You're never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I've got a protein deficiency." "No whey!"

@dave_cactus: HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all? ME: I used Kohl's cash. [police burst through the door with Kohl] KOHL: That's the man who mugged me!