HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
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HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
oh shit
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!