I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
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New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
yes… yes…
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!