Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.